Cromwell's Cat Read online

  TOMKINS

  It’s the human way: believe the worst and you won’t be disappointed.

  CRUMB

  “Human – not cats?”

  TOMKINS

  “Great Furry Felix, no! Our way is – hope for the best and more often than not it happens– at least in our dealings with humans. That’s where we play the ‘Creepy Cat’ card. You know, look lost, declare undying love, add a dash of hero worship – always puts food on the table”

  CRUMB

  “In the dish, not on the table”

  TOMKINS

  “Of course not, at least not when Mrs Crumb’s around. But when she’s not. Are you going to pretend we’ve never shared a supper?”

  CRUMB

  “It may have happened from time to time – when I’ve had other things on my mind. Like now. Where were we?”

  TOMKINS

  “You were saying how you didn’t want to be misunderstood again – as you had been at Putney”

  CRUMB

  “Yes. Well, to make sure that didn’t happen again, I stayed away from London and knew nothing of Harry’s proposals, his conferences with the Levellers, or their new ‘Agreement of the People’ that was to be the foundation of all once this parliament was dissolved. Nothing. Not true of course. Harry kept me informed throughout. But officially I ‘knew nothing’ and so couldn’t be accused”.

  TOMKINS

  “Rhodri again: ‘Then you knew about Pride’s Purge?’*”

  CRUMB

  “No, no – that I didn’t. That’s where it went wrong.”

  TOMKINS

  “You said as much at the time, didn’t you?”

  CRUMB

  “If I remember, I said ‘I had not been acquainted with the design (true enough of the purge), but seeing it was done I was glad of it and would endeavour to maintain it.’ Well, what else could I say?”

  TOMKINS

  “…‘What had you been acquainted with?’ ”

  CRUMB

  “Good question, Rhodri. I’m glad nobody asked me that. I was acquainted with the plan for the dissolution – approved it…”

  RHODRI

  “But?”

  CRUMB

  “…but events moved too fast. On 1st December the Commons rejected the army’s Remonstrance and began debating the terms agreed with the king, and four days later accepted them as a basis for settlement. As they had planned all along – the war over, our divisions at an end. The next business would be to vote the disbandment of the army. Harry had to act and had no time to consult. Our plan, as you know, had been a dissolution, a clean break, a fresh start – but our friends in the House pressed instead for a purge on the grounds that that would be more certain and would preserve some shred of parliamentary authority…”

  RHODRI

  “Really?”

  CRUMB

  “Really. That was their thinking. And I know what you’ll be thinking: a House reduced from something under five hundred members to at most seventy in the weeks that followed? What authority?!”

  RHODRI

  “’And yet you were glad of the purge?’”

  TOMKINS

  “No he was not. Oh come on, Crumb. You can say it now. We’re all friends here”

  CRUMB

  “I was not, but I told myself if the Lord’s work was to proceed I must not look too much upon instruments.”

  TOMKINS

  Told himself that again and again – still does.

  CRUMB

  “Had I been there they would have been dissolved – one way or other. I promise you that. And the Agreement would then have been the basis of a new, freely-elected government, with a king if he’d sign up to it – a modern Magna Carta – and no blame for the dissolution would attach to the members and, if re-elected, they could set about governing a newly-settled nation, with no army, taxes reduced and freedom of conscience for all who didn’t threaten the public peace. Had I been there…”

  TOMKINS

  “But?”

  CRUMB

  “But…I wasn’t. So the army lived to fight another day, but nothing else changed. There was no clean break, no fresh start, no new Magna Carta, nothing. Had the parliament been dissolved this king might have lived. Kingship itself might even have been part of the solution helping us to secure the settlement the Lord looked for. But the parliament was still there, a pathetic remnant of it – and to bring it back from the dead, we would have to attract back the missing members – all those (and they the majority) who since the purge had stayed away. And they would not return while the threat of trial and execution hung over the king. So, for the sake of settlement that was what we must do – and quickly. And so here we are, Catriona – in answer to your earlier question – here in Westminster Hall waiting for the trial to start.”

  TOMKINS

  Goodness, a clamour from all quarters. They’re saying – “Is that where we are? Westminster Hall? You don’t think that will solve anything, do you? They seem to think they know something you don’t”

  CRUMB

  “I honestly don’t know. All I know is the Lord looks for settlement and for that we now depend on the parliament and so must make it such as will do the business, And if that requires that this king be first removed, so be it”

  TOMKINS

  “All joy?”

  CRUMB

  “All joy.”

  TOMKINS

  “Karen wants to know what happened to your ‘Magna Carta’?”

  CRUMB

  “Harry is even now presenting it to the parliament.”

  TOMKINS

  “She doubts they’ll pay it much attention.”

  CRUMB

  “For now she’s right, but after the trial…”

  TOMKINS

  “She doubts it even then. And the Levellers – what of them?”

  CRUMB

  “Their worst fears were realised. Hell hath no fury like a Leveller scorned. I said some time ago there was nothing to be feared from them. Now I’m not so sure. But all in good time. The king’s business comes first.”

  Chapter Five

  ‘Cruel Necessity’

  KING CHARLES

  “I would know by what power I am called hither, what authority.”

  TOMKINS

  “Duh, kingy. Even I know that and I’m just a cat. No need to look so surprised. Not just any cat, I grant you but paw-print proof of what they say…”

  KING

  “What’s that?”

  TOMKINS

  “ ‘A cat
can look at a king’ – tell him the time of day too, seems like. Have a look around you, your royalness. Don’t the pikes and halberds tell you anything?”

  KING

  “Lord General, what is a cat doing in this dream?”

  CRUMB

  “My dream, your majesty. I’m afraid Tomkins comes as part of the package”

  TOMKINS

  “Which is more than you’ll be able to say in a day or two, kingy.

  CRUMB

  “Tomkins!”

  TOMKINS

  “Well, it’s true. You said so yourself.”

  CRUMB

  “Maybe I did, but there are some things you don’t say in public – even in dreams – and that’s one of them”

  TOMKINS

  “Not in my dreams. Anything goes: tell it like it is. Far simpler that way, no misunderstandings”

  CRUMB

  “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll remember that when I’m in your dream, but at the moment, remember, you’re in mine – my rules, my concerns and show a little respect.”

  TOMKINS

  “Respect for the…”

  CRUMB

  “Enough!”

  TOMKINS

  “What?… ‘The nearly dead’ is all I was going to say.”

  CRUMB

  “Not another word. You were saying, your Majesty?”

  KING

  “I would know by what authority I am brought here. I mean lawful authority?”

  CRUMB

  “Necessity knows no law.”

  KING

  “Necessity!? Ha! – of your own making…”

  CRUMB

  “Not so.”

  KING

  “A feigned necessity, an imaginary necessity and the greatest cozenage that man can put upon the providence of God and make pretences to break known rules by. And you can quote me on that”

  CRUMB

  “I’ll make a note of it.”

  TOMKINS

  “Oh he will, Maj, he will, believe me. Have you got a pen, Crumb? He does it all the time – known for it.”

  CRUMB

  “I am not.”

  TOMKINS

  “You are so. ‘Russet-coated cat’ – remember?”

  CRUMB

  “That was different.”

  TOMKINS

  “I don’t see how.”

  KING

  “Would one of you mind telling me what you’re talking about?”

  TOMKINS

  “The early days of the war, Maj – Edgehill, I think it was – humans at their confused, unfocused worst – your army fighting to win and the parliament’s just to stop you. So un-cat-like. And Crumb here scratching his head and despairing of things ever getting any better and I suggested he’d do better to ‘trust a plain-russet-coated cat…” (no prizes for guessing) “…a plain russet-coated cat than any of his shilly-shallying ‘gentlemen’. You made no comment at the time, did you, Crumb?”

  CRUMB

  “No, I don’t think I did.”

  TOMKINS

  “No comment, but his eyes glazed over like they always do when something lodges in there – and blow me just over a year later what do I find him saying of his own troops– correct me if I’m wrong, Crumb – ‘I had rather have a plain russet-coated captain that knows what he fights for and loves what he knows, than that which you call a ‘gentleman’ and is nothing else’.”

  CRUMB

  “Yes, but I made it my own by adding ‘I honour a gentleman that is so in deed.’”

  TOMKINS

  “Oh yes, silly me, that makes all the difference! Come on, Crumb – you opened your mouth and out came my words – and my meaning: Don’t fight unless you want to win. A little acknowledgment is all I ask: ‘As Tomkins told me’ – nothing more.”

  KING

  “So you think, Tomkins…may I call you that?”

  TOMKINS

  “’Course, kingy. Been called a lot worse.”

  KING

  “You think he’ll use my ‘feigned necessity’ quote some time?”

  TOMKINS

  “Sure of it.”

  KING

  “Without attributing it?”

  TOMKINS

  “Not a chance. Can you imagine? ‘Now listen up, gents, as the king said to me at his trial – it’s worth repeating…’ No, no acknowledgment but your words will live on. That should be some comfort. And when you’re up there, looking down hearing him droning on, you’ll be able to say ‘That’s mine. That’s mine. He got that from me’. They’ll all be impressed up there and I’ll hear you down here even if no-one else will. I’ve got a hot-line to heaven even if they don’t allow cats up there. At least they think they don’t – but we do very nicely thank-you by being invisible. That’s why they keep running out of food, cos we keep eating it and your boss-man can’t understand because He thinks, if He can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. More fool Him”

  KING

  “Is that true, Tomkins?”

  TOMKINS

  “True as I’m standing here.”

  KING

  “But are you standing there? I mean this is General Cromwell’s dream, is it not?”

  TOMKINS

  “Cat-egorically.”

  CRUMB

  “It is, and don’t think I’ve gone away just because I haven’t spoken for a while.”

  TOMKINS

  “Always a great listener, weren’t you Crumb? Like I said – a born-again eavesdropper, picking up phrases, storing them in his noddle and bringing them out as his own when occasion serves”

  KING

  “I mean, I’m happy to chat, but won’t you want to get back to the trial?”

  CRUMB

  “When you’re ready.”

  TOMKINS

  “Which is his way of saying ‘nothing could be further from his mind’. The only person who hates the trial more than him would be yourself, Maj – for obvious reasons. As he said just now, this trial is a necessity not of his making but which he must push through. So he will argue that it’s the Lord’s Providence – because that makes him feel better – but privately he thinks it’s all tosh: he wishes he wasn’t here and will only be glad when he isn’t – but, forgive me – that will be when you aren’t here either, if you see what I mean”

  KING

  “Only too clearly.”
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