Cromwell's Cat Read online

  MAJ

  “In body if not in spirit … “

  CRUMB

  “He’d hoped to be excused, claiming army business”.

  TOMKINS

  ”Wonder where he got that idea?”

  CRUMB

  “But Lambert, who knew a thing or two about divided counsels, insisted that for senior officers this was only business for the day. A show of unity…”.

  TOMKINS

  “However misleading.”

  CRUMB

  “…was of paramount importance, for how can you invite a nation to unite behind a divided army? Hence all the palaver. Go on, Majesty”.

  MAJ

  “erm Lambert offering you the civil sword; which you accept in exchange for your military one. You receiving the Great Seal from the Commissioners and returning it to them. Likewise the city’s sword and cap of maintenance from Lord Mayor Fowke – all that. And then back in procession to the Banqueting Hall. That is what’s planned is it not? All very regal”.

  CRUMB

  “And not what I hoped for, Majesty, you know that. But the Lord it seems had other ideas”

  TOMKINS

  “Which He passed on privately to John Lambert.”

  CRUMB

  “Tomkins! Remember what I said…about objecting…”

  TOMKINS

  “ ‘…to the work of the Lord, if we look too much upon John Lambert’ How could I forget?”

  CRUMB

  “I didn’t say that exactly.”

  TOMKINS

  “No, but you thought it; and I heard it – loud and clear.”

  MAJ

  “I’m afraid to say, General Cromwell, so did I.”

  TOMKINS

  “Thankyou, Maj… oh come on, Crumb. Just because I caught you out thinking what you shouldn’t. Wouldn’t be the first time. Only this time I’ve got Maj to back me up. Besides, why wouldn’t you think that?”

  CRUMB

  “Because if the assembly was not the Lord’s way, as it clearly was not for it is now no more; and if the work must go forward, as it must, else we have been fooling ourselves these many years past; and if John Lambert’s proffered government is now the only way of doing so – then that must be the way of the Lord and it is wrong for me to repine at it – however much I would prefer to be private with my cat in Ely than public on a pedestal for all to take pot-shots at in Westminster.”

  TOMKINS

  “Don’t try and get round me, Crumb. Warm words won’t wash – unlike we cats who wash all the time. We take pride in our appearance. That’s the only thing I have in common with Big H & Itch-arse: they have style, something you could do with a bit more of, Crumb, if the truth be told. And you know, when I say you smell – I am not speaking figuratively, but you can still stroke me. Carry on, you lot. Don’t mind me – just a cat thing”

  RHODRI

  “General Cromwell?”

  CRUMB

  “Yes, Rodders?”

  RHODRI

  “What are you if not a ‘not-a-king’?”

  CRUMB

  “A good constable keeping the peace of the parish – at least that’s how I see myself, and how I hope others will come to see me.”

  MAJ

  “But if that were all, General Cromwell, why all the ceremony – the Lord Mayor and aldermen, judges, commissioners of the great seal? Why all that?”

  CRUMB

  “To send out a signal – that this constable has friends in high places – and not all in the army. The nation needs to hear that. And if this is to be the start of a new government, which it is – and not a temporary expedient like the late assembly – then it matters that it’s open and public for all to see.”

  MAJ

  “The brethren at Blackfriars won’t like it.”

  CRUMB

  “That, I guess, is what Lambert is counting on, Majesty: the more they speak against it the more the nation will conclude we must be doing something right.”

  MAJ

  “So this government was not your choice, but you’ll make it your business?”

  CRUMB

  “I will, Majesty – starting now. Wish me luck.”

  TOMKINS

  “Go for it, Crumb.”

  KAREN

  “Sock it to them.”

  TOMKINS

  “Stand and deliver! Oh no, that’s a bit highwayman-like. Not at all the image you want to present!”

  CRUMB

  “Well, here goes: ‘Having been advised and desired to take upon me the protection and government of these nations in the manner expressed in the form of government hereunto annexed, I do promise in the presence of God, that I will not violate or infringe the matters and things contained therein, but shall observe the same and cause them to be observed; also that I will seek the peace, quiet and welfare of these nations and cause law and justice to be equally administered. And I desire to rule and govern the three nations no longer than it might have a perfect dependence on the work of the Lord; that so the gospel might flourish in its full splendour and the people enjoy their just rights and property’.”

  MAJ

  “And that’s it: the protector-ship launched. God bless her and all who sail in her! Karen, if you’ll stop thinking these things, I’ll stop saying them.”

  KAREN

  “I’ll try, Majesty. I’ll try.”

  Chapter Eight

  ‘The Man Who Would/Would Not Be King.’

  TOMKINS

  “You know what you said, Crumb, about religion?”

  CRUMB

  “Erm…no.”

  TOMKINS

  “You do! You were thinking it just now. I heard you when I was sleeping”

  CRUMB

  “I was thinking a lot of things – none of them much comfort.”

  TOMKINS

  “Did you hear anything, Maj?”

  MAJ

  “Sorry, Tomkins, not allowed. The Lord’s got a way of encrypting thoughts if they’re too – you know – personal. Part of his rule about leaving humans free to make their own decisions and only getting involved when they get them wrong.”

  KAREN

  “Encrypting? Like on computers?”

  MAJ

  “Yes, Karen, very like – only thoughts, not words.”

  ALAN

  “Hang on, your majesty. You’re King of England in the seventeenth century. What do you know about computers?”
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br />   MAJ

  “Absolutely nothing. But as ex-king of England now up in heaven even though I don’t know much about them –I use them all the time. We all do. How else would we access the U-wide-web, which is an absolute god-send, if you’ll pardon the pun.”

  CRUMB

  “erm …?”

  MAJ

  “Sorry, General Cromwell – or should I call you Lord Protector?”

  TOMKINS

  “Lord Protector? Bit formal. How about Lordy P?”

  CRUMB

  “What?”

  TOMKINS

  “Lordy P. Even better: Lordy Purr-tector? Yes, Lordy Purr-tector. Purr-fect”

  CRUMB

  “Thankyou, Tomkins, but no – and this is no time for jokes. ‘Crumb’ has served us well up to now, so let’s stick with that shall we? You too, Majesty – ‘General Cromwell’ – or LP, if that’s easier.”

  MAJ

  “As you wish. And as for what I said before – about the web – I’m afraid I slipped up there. I’m getting all kinds of dirty looks up here. One of the first things they tell us when we arrive is ‘Not a word about the web’. They’re terrified humans will start tweeting us; then we’ll have followers; and then where is God and where is prayer? Too awful to contemplate – for the Lord, I mean – hence the encryption and leaving you, General, free to make your own mistakes.”

  CRUMB

  “Which is what worries me. I’m afraid I’m about to make a wrong decision but for the life of me I can’t see the right one.”

  TOMKINS

  “That’s what I picked up on, Crumb – came through loud and clear – your worries about this offer of the kingship, when everyone here will remember what you said in the last chapter ‘No king in England but Christ’. Forgot that, did you?”

  CRUMB

  “As if…”

  TOMKINS

  “Don’t seem so ‘clear and unclouded’ now, do they?”

  CRUMB

  “What?”

  TOMKINS

  “Your providences. You know – what you said years ago when you were trying to persuade your friends – can’t remember who now”

  MAJ

  “Robin Hammond, I think, my keeper at Carisbrooke. He showed me the letter.”

  TOMKINS

  “That’s it, Maj. When you were trying to persuade him to stick with you for Maj’s trial and erm…whatever”

  MAJ

  “Beheading, Tomkins, doesn’t hurt to say it now. Don’t need my head now – my virtual head works so much better, as does my virtual body. You should try it sometime – well of course you will sooner or later. You’ll find you’re the real cat’s whiskers, if I can put it like that?”

  TOMKINS

  “If you must – but don’t make a habit of it.”

  MAJ

  “Good. Then your girlfriend, what was her name? You mentioned her earlier…”

  TOMKINS

  “Kitty Fishface?”

  MAJ

  “That’s her – well she won’t be able to resist Cat’s Whiskers Tomkins, except of course that she’ll be the Cat’s Ws too.”

  RHODRI

  “Sorry to interrupt but shouldn’t that be the dog’s…”

  TOMKINS

  “No, Rodders, it shouldn’t. And don’t lower the tone. I’m trying to help Crumb think through his problems here and you’re not helping. Besides, like me, there’s nothing Kitty loves better than getting down and dirty gobbling up scraps under the butcher’s stall at Ely market place – then heading down the river for a wash and lick-up before curling up together for a good sleep and an even better bit of how’s your father. That’s our heaven, thank-you very much – none of your arty-farty Cat’s Ws. And with luck, Crumb, your problems might yet be the trigger to get us back there.”

  CRUMB

  “They might at that, if I could find the answer to my dilemma and set the nation on the way to the healing and settling that the Lord seeks and we all long for.”

  TOMKINS

  “That’s what I’m trying to tell you – you can. It was what I was getting at a moment ago …what you said – about religion… It was when you dissolved the last parliament…”

  CRUMB

  “Oh then – January 1654.”

  TOMKINS

  1655 to you, readers. Remember what I said – year ends in March.

  CRUMB

  “…erm…erm…‘What greater hypocrisy than for those who were oppressed by the bishops…”

  MAJ

  “Not oppressed, General Cromwell. I object to ‘Oppressed’.”

  TOMKINS

  “Well you would, Maj, wouldn’t you? But crowd control to you might feel like oppression to others. And did, I can vouch for that – there’s many a moan I’ve listened to in the old wheelbarrow days, wasn’t there, Crumb?”

  CRUMB

  “I suppose I did go on a bit. Hard not to, those days.”

  TOMKINS

  “No probs – it’s what we cats are here for. You beef; we purr and the pain goes away – like licking a wound. But go on, ‘What greater hypocrisy…’ not what I was looking for but good to hear again all the same”

  CRUMB

  “…‘than for those, who were oppressed by the bishops to become the greatest oppressors themselves as soon as their yoke was removed’ ”

  TOMKINS

  That told them, didn’t it? And spoken with the old Crumb passion. I can still see the members of parliament sitting there stunned…

  MAJ

  “Gobsmacked, Tomkins. I saw them too.”

  TOMKINS

  “Gobsmacked, that’s it, Maj – just when they thought they had him over a barrel: ‘This is our constitutional bill. Take it or leave it: all or nothing’”

  CRUMB

  “And I left it.”

  TOMKINS

  “And landed yourself with nothing but trouble. Remember the ‘Major-Generals’?”

  CRUMB

  “Don’t remind me.”

  TOMKINS

  “Whose bright idea were they? I think everyone has a right to know”

  CRUMB

  “John Lambert thought of it and I thought I could use it. Desperate times called for a desperate remedy.”

  TOMKINS

  “Which is just what they got.”

  CRUMB

  “Given time, I was persuaded, they might have worked…”