Cromwell's Cat Read online

  CRUMB

  “I confess it is not parliamentary language, neither are you to expect any such from me. You sir, are a whoremaster!”

  TOMKINS

  That’s the trougher told! Crumb on his feet now, hat on head. He’s left his seat, heading for the floor of the house.

  CRUMB

  “The good things the people longed for – the reform of the law, a thing so much groaned under, talked out by the ‘gentlemen’ of the long robe. Justice flowing freely past every man’s door? Not in this world! The propagation of the gospel, that which is most dear to us – not here, not now! The poor people of God in Wales, trodden under foot in this parliament to the discountenancing of the honest people and the countenancing of the malignant party of this Commonwealth. As plain a trial of your spirits as anything, it being known to myself and officers that God did kindle a seed there hardly to be paralleled since the primitive times! I say it is not fit you sit as a parliament any longer. You have sat long enough unless you had done more good…”

  TOMKINS

  Sir Henry Vane trying to get a word in. ‘This is not honest…’

  CRUMB

  “You are no parliament! I say you are no parliament! I will put an end to your prating! Call them in!”

  TOMKINS

  “ ‘…It is not honest!…’ Doors flung open. The musketeers file in. ‘…Yea it is against morality and common honesty.’

  CRUMB

  “Oh, Sir Henry Vane, Sir Henry Vane! You might have prevented this extraordinary course, but you are a juggler. You are a juggler, sir, and ‘tis you have not so much as common honesty. The Lord deliver me from Sir Henry Vane”

  TOMKINS

  And turning now to the Speaker.

  CRUMB

  “Fetch him down.”

  TOMKINS

  Harrison * goes over. Speaker not moving. Harrison at a loss, turns to Crumb.

  CRUMB

  “Take him down!”

  TOMKINS

  No arguing with that. The Speaker looks about him, catches Itch-Arse’s eye and accepts the inevitable. Harrison helps him down. He joins the members filing out with their musketeer escort. Crumb’s eye lights on the what-dyou-me-call-it – the mace.

  CRUMB

  “Here, take away this…this…bauble.”

  TOMKINS

  And there we are…sorted, I nearly said. Not quite, it seems. Here’s Itch-Arse – determined to have the last word. ‘You are mistaken if you think this House is dissolved, for no power under heaven can dissolve it but the House itself. Take you note of that.’

  CRUMB

  “Duly noted, member for Leicestershire. Duly noted. But I can stop your sitting for you cannot sit without the mace, and I can shut up shop, for this house you will find to be locked against you. And I can put an end to your self-perpetuating practices by…”

  TOMKINS

  See that –picking up the bill from the table?

  CRUMB

  “…seeing to it this bill never sees the light of day”

  TOMKINS

  And there it goes, under Crumb’s cloak. But Itch-Arse isn’t done yet. “ ‘There was a time you said ‘Either they are a parliament or they are no parliament. If they be no parliament they are nothing and we are nothing likewise…’”

  CRUMB

  “That was then. This is now!”

  TOMKINS

  “ ‘…And the future yet to come. We’ll see you there, General Cromwell!’ ” And that’s it – Itchy-Arse gone; house empty.

  CRUMB

  “It’s you that have forced me to do this. I have sought the Lord night and day that he would rather slay me than put me upon the doing of this work…”

  TOMKINS

  “Erm…we know that, Crumb. Don’t we, Maj?”

  MAJ

  “Absolutely. No-one could fault you for seeking, General Cromwell.”

  TOMKINS

  “And there you have it, Crumb, straight from Maj’s mouth. But my point is – look around you – the House is empty, the members have gone, the deed is done – and I need to get out and live a little.”

  CRUMB

  “You’re right, you’re right. No point having the last word, when it stops mid-sentence. Lock the house up and back to the cockpit and find where this leaves us.”

  RHODRI

  “In the proverbial?”

  CRUMB

  “I hope not, Rhodri. I hope not, but with some serious soul-searching to be done. It may be a measure of our integrity that in what we have acted we’ve seen nothing before us, but I wish it had been otherwise and that I knew where we went from here.”

  TOMKINS

  Easy – chapter seven. See you there.

  Chapter Seven

  ‘The Edge of the Promises and Prophecies.’

  TOMKINS

  “Did you mean that, Crumb – about Ely?”

  CRUMB

  “You know I did. Isn’t it what I’ve always said?”

  TOMKINS

  “Yes, but…”

  CRUMB

  “And I’ll say it again – here before witnesses. Are you listening?”

  READERS

  “Yes, yes – all here.”

  CRUMB

  “And I know you are, Majesty. So here goes: “I want nothing more than to retire to a private life…”

  TOMKINS

  “In Ely?”

  CRUMB

  “…in Ely, and will as soon as the nation is on the way to settlement. There, that’s a promise.”

  TOMKINS

  “Why not now?”

  CRUMB

  “Now?”

  TOMKINS

  “Don’t you humans say ‘No time like the present’? Just think – Mrs Crumb in the kitchen, eel pie on the table, Tomkins tucking in…and, and, and – fighting for the fen-men again. You said yourself they need someone to speak up for them.”

  CRUMB

  “I did.”

  TOMKINS

  “And who better than an ex-general with time on his hands?”

  CRUMB

  “No-one, Tomkins, no-one – only…”

  TOMKINS

  “No, I don’t want to hear – the dreaded human ‘only’”

  CRUMB

  “…only I cannot withdraw my hand from the work…”

  TOMKINS

 
“…until the Lord bids me. Boring!!!”

  MAJ

  “Might it not be, General Cromwell, that he bid you already?”

  TOMKINS

  “Well said, Maj. You tell him.”

  MAJ

  “Look at me. Learn from my example.”

  CRUMB

  “What – get myself beheaded?”

  MAJ

  “Not exactly – though there is that possibility. What I meant was – quit while you’re ahead.”

  TOMKINS

  “Exactly, Crumb – quit while you’re…hang on, hang on, Maj. Where did that phrase come from? That’s not very Majjy.”

  MAJ

  “No idea. It just sort of popped out. Someone must have thought it and up here, as you know – thoughts travel.”

  KAREN

  “erm, sorry…I think it might have been me.”

  TOMKINS

  “You, Karen?”

  KAREN

  “Yeah. It just occurred to me that the General should consider his options”

  CRUMB

  “What?”

  KAREN

  “You may never get a better time. I mean you never know what the future might hold… Back me up, you lot.”

  READERS

  “That’s right …could all go horribly wrong.”

  TOMKINS

  “As in your case, Maj.”

  MAJ

  “Don’t remind me.”

  CRUMB

  “And when, your Majesty – when do you think you were ahead and should have quit?”

  MAJ

  “When else? Back in ’47, when you and Ireton offered me the Heads of the Proposals. At the time I saw only the divisions between parliament and army and hoped (as you said, Rhodri) – hoped I might profit from them. But now I see it was the best offer I would ever get and possibly the best way forward for the nation. I just couldn’t see it.”

  CRUMB

  “And you liken that to my present predicament?”

  MAJ

  “I do. You are ahead: the parliament is dissolved; Itch-Arse off in high dudgeon; and whatever government you set up will have the goal of putting the nation into some way of certain settlement. You’ve played your part. Let them play theirs.”

  READERS

  “Hear, hear…Listen to the king… He knows.”

  TOMKINS

  “There you are, Crumb. We’re all agreed – next stop Ely!”

  CRUMB

  “I’m afraid not.”

  MAJ

  “May we know why?”

  CRUMB

  “Because, Majesty, not everyone looks for the settlement you describe. Some of the army do not – Tom Harrison does not.”

  MAJ

  “What do they look for?”

  CRUMB

  “For the saints to come to reign – as of now.”

  MAJ

  “And have they grounds for that?”

  CRUMB

  “They think they have. You know how it is: they’ve seen the signs – and read them wrong”

  MAJ

  “What signs?”

  CRUMB

  “Well, for a start – the confrontation between the army and parliament over the past three months: the former demanding a forcible dissolution and I, as is well documented, sticking close to the House and dead set against any such thing. They misread that – as I now believe did Itch-Arse. It may be that on the morning of 20th April he pressed ahead with the final fatal bill because he believed, whatever I would do, I would never forcibly dissolve the House. He believed it; they believed it; I believed it. And yet I did it. So he was shocked and sent on his way; and they were shocked and saw it as the Lord’s doing – in which I agree with them for it was none of mine. But – and here they and I part company – they believe ‘tis now for them to take and possess the kingdom and for the rest of the nation to go hang.”

  MAJ

  “And you?”

  CRUMB

  “Hope there will no-one go hang – and that the Saints will have their day of glory, only…”

  TOMKINS

  Not yet

  CRUMB

  “…not just yet. First, as you said, Majesty, we must settle the nation and by our works teach them to live with and – it may be – learn a little to love us. And in the interim the saints’ expectations must be managed and for that, I fear I am needed.”

  TOMKINS

  “So no private life this side of Christmas?”

  CRUMB

  “Sorry, Tomkins, but no – even if we still had Christmas, which we don’t.”

  TOMKINS

  “And Ely further off than ever?”

  CRUMB

  “I didn’t say that – just I don’t know. We are only now brought out of Egypt – and may, like the Israelites, linger many years in the wilderness before we reach…”

  TOMKINS

  “Ely?”

  CRUMB

  “I was going to say ‘a place of rest’.”

  TOMKINS

  “Ely, like I said. And roughly how far is that, Crumb?”

  CRUMB

  “What?”

  TOMKINS

  “Egypt to Ely.”

  CRUMB

  “I was speaking figuratively.”

  TOMKINS

  “Ah…but how far. Just so I know.”

  CRUMB

  “Distance doesn’t come into it. Egypt is in the scripture and Ely is…”

  TOMKINS

  “In the fens. I know that…But is it north or south of the scripture?”

  CRUMB

  “Tomkins – leave it. We’ll get to Ely as soon as we can. Let that be enough for you. Now, let’s move on”

  RHODRI

  “Can we just have a quick Q & A?”

  TOMKINS

  “’Course you can, Rodders, ‘course you can. But outside, if you don’t mind. Anyone else need to go? If so, now’s the time. And if I might make a suggestion – mark your territory while you’re at it. It’s what we cats always do. Saves a lot of time later. Do you want to go, Maj?”