Cromwell's Cat Read online

  TOMKINS

  Purr, purr, purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

  CRUMB

  “Tomkins!”

  TOMKINS

  “Fascinating, Patient A, absolutely fascinating.”

  CRUMB

  “You haven’t heard a word I said.”

  TOMKINS

  “Yes I have – every word and most illuminating. I might just need to sleep on it.”

  KAREN

  “But, General Cromwell, as the parliament is widely disliked, why would Itch-Arse believe the future should be any different?”

  CRUMB

  “Because, Karen, he’s spent the past two months sending out signals to the country – and all opinions and interests therein (other than the army and the sects) saying ‘learn to love us. We’ll look after you.’”

  KAREN

  “What – like a presidential primary?”

  CRUMB

  “Whatever that may be…To the London merchants, following Blake’s victory at Portland just two months ago, they promise an end to the Dutch war and markets across the world opened up to their trade as never before. Learn to love us. To people all over the country concerned at the threat to the church and the ministry – they take up proposals to secure and sustain church and ministry; then – at the start of this month allow the Commission for the Propagation of the Gospel in Wales – much loved of the army, they allow that to lapse. Accident? Oversight? Or a deliberate signal to all concerned: learn to love us. We’ll look after you – and your church!…”

  KAREN

  “Itch-Arse’s charm offensive.”

  CRUMB

  “…a deliberate provocation to the army: drive them to distraction and get the crowd on his side. And he succeeded. And with the cavalry now due to rendezvous near London, he knows he must strike while yet he can; and it falls to me to prevent him. Last night at the Cockpit I brought together leading officers and members of parliament to persuade them of the middle path, that I believe the Lord looks for: not this perpetual parliament nor the army’s proposed forcible dissolution – not that neither, but an interim authority composed of officers and members to put the nation into some way of certain settlement, to assure the people of their lives, liberties and estates – so they begin to forget monarchy and learn to love this commonwealth – then and only then to call an election.”

  KAREN

  “General Cromwell?”

  CRUMB

  “Yes”

  KAREN

  “Sorry to interrupt, but you might want to keep it brief as someone’s little life is about to be rounded in a sleep again. Know what I mean?”

  CRUMB

  “Oh I do, Karen. I do. Thanks for the warning.”

  KAREN

  “And if he’s out for the count so are we as far as this book is concerned.”

  CRUMB

  “I know. Tomkins, stay with me – not long to go now. Itch-Arse, hearing my proposal, told us ‘the way we were going in was accursed’ and stormed out – intent no doubt on pressing on with his Bill with all despatch. I expected no less, which is why I had more to offer as he would have learned had he not so peremptorily lived up to his name.”

  KAREN

  “You had more to offer?”

  CRUMB

  “I did. I told them, they putting the nation into a way of certain settlement as aforesaid, I would resign my command, if that was their wish. I would retire into a private life and trouble them no further…”

  TOMKINS

  “Back to Ely?”

  CRUMB

  “Back to Ely.”

  TOMKINS

  “Now you’re talking, Crumb.”

  CRUMB

  “And the new parliament might then appoint whom they would to be General and so the army renewed and brought to order at the same time as the parliament itself. That, I hoped might be…what was it you called it, Karen…erm …an assault…attack…offensive. Offensive…?”

  KAREN

  “Charm offensive?”

  CRUMB

  “That’s it – a charm offensive that might take with the nation and lead to the settlement the Lord desired and we all longed for.”

  KAREN

  “And the members – those who’d stayed?”

  CRUMB

  “Promised to present it to the House and, as it offered everything even Itch-Arse could desire, they had little doubt debate on the bill might be delayed until we had a further conference. And at that the meeting broke up, they promising to present my proposal this morning and I sleeping sounder than for many a month, dreaming of Ely”

  TOMKINS

  “Fishing for eels?”

  CRUMB

  “Indeed, Wise cat, fishing for eels. As I said, I had begged to be dismissed of my charge. I had begged it again and again but hitherto, the parliament’s judgment not suiting with mine, I could not obtain what my soul longed for. But now, it serving their ends as much (and more) than my own …”

  MAJ

  “They will yet ignore it – are even now ignoring it.”

  CRUMB

  “What, your Majesty?”

  MAJ

  “Great idea, General Cromwell and greatly for the good of the kingdom…sorry ‘Commonwealth’ (old habits, don’t you know). But even the best ideas can fall on deaf ears.”

  CRUMB

  “Not this time. Our friends promised…”

  MAJ

  “And failed. I’ve just seen in the parliament: Itch-Arse was up early. He’s packed the house with friends – his not yours – and is pressing on with the Bill with all possible haste.”

  CRUMB

  “What?”

  MAJ

  “I heard some say they mean to complete its passage as soon as may be – passing it in paper only without engrossing for the quicker despatch…as they did at the time of my execution. Worked then, why not now? You should have thought of that. Itch-Arse clearly did”

  CRUMB

  “But my friends?”

  MAJ

  “Were powerless to prevent it. They could not make themselves heard. No-one was listening. They are not there to listen but to vote – to pass the bill through its final stages – and make it law by lunchtime.”

  CRUMB

  “Then I must be there – my musketeers with me. Tomkins, come. Thanks for the warning, Majesty. There may yet be time”

  TOMKINS

  “What for?”

  CRUMB

  “I don’t know, Tomkins. I don’t know. O
nly I know Itch-Arse means to set the army at defiance and one way or other the Lord would have me prevent him. Let’s go.”

  **********

  TOMKINS

  “So, here we are, Crumb – in the House. You’ve taken your seat, like any other member – except of course that you’re not just any member – a fact which hasn’t gone unnoticed. So, go on – prevent.”

  CRUMB

  “Ssssh. Better they prevent themselves – if possible.”

  TOMKINS

  “How will they do that?”

  CRUMB

  “By moving an adjournment – the only way with the bill now into its third reading.”

  TOMKINS

  “You think they will?”

  CRUMB

  “I pray they will and with my presence here to stiffen their resolve…”

  TOMKINS

  “Is that why no-one’s looking at you – because their resolve’s stiffened?”

  CRUMB

  “Could be.”

  TOMKINS

  “Or because they’ve shit their britches?”

  CRUMB

  “That too. They’ve heard my musketeers. They know the alternative. Our friends I hope will be emboldened to move the adjournment they promised last night and many even of Itch-Arse’s friends be happy to be thrown a lifeline.”

  TOMKINS

  “So you wait?”

  CRUMB

  “And pray… that my musketeers will stay outside the door, where they belong. Fingers crossed…”

  **********

  TOMKINS

  “Doesn’t look like your prayers are working.”

  CRUMB

  “Our friends, I fear, have failed us. Either they never meant what they said or – more like – they know that, with the house packed as it is, any move for an adjournment short of another gunpowder treason or the building on fire would be bound to fail.”

  TOMKINS

  “Cat attack?”

  CRUMB

  “What?”

  TOMKINS

  “I could try a cat attack – leap onto that table, spill the ink all over the place…”

  CRUMB

  “He’d ignore it – pass it now, write it up later.”

  TOMKINS

  “Knock that golden gewgaw to the floor.”

  CRUMB

  “The mace?”

  TOMKINS

  “Is that what it is?”

  CRUMB

  “Knocking it off it’s perch wouldn’t do it. Removing it altogether, now that’s another matter – the parliament cannot sit without it.”

  TOMKINS

  “So, if it were removed the parliament would have to adjourn?”

  CRUMB

  “It would.”

  TOMKINS

  “If only I were bigger.”

  CRUMB

  “If only… But, as you’re not – I must make shift to sort it myself.”

  TOMKINS

  “Are you sure?”

  CRUMB

  “If the army’s calling is from God and their testimony in their victories, then He – not Itch-Arse – will despatch them. And that will not be until the settlement He looks for is in sight, which will not be with this Bill for a New Upheaval. And, it being about to pass, now is the time I must do it. The Lord knows I looked not for this nor I know not what follows. Let Him make what use of it He will.”

  TOMKINS

  “He’ll be worried.”

  CRUMB

  “Bound to be – and settlement postponed – but not lost. I hope not lost. Here goes… Mr Speaker, Mr Speaker, I have somewhat to say…”

  TOMKINS

  That’s made them sit up – and look up at last. “Hi there – look who’s here! What will it be – new britches all round?” The Speaker about to call for order.

  CRUMB

  “…somewhat the House must hear. The Lord, we know, has a special providence for England and this House has been at the heart of it this twelve years past. There have been great things – very great things brought about: – the bringing of offenders to justice – even the greatest, the sifting and winnowing of all places and persons, the King removed and brought to justice…”

  MAJ

  “Injustice.”

  TOMKINS

  “Maj! This is Crumb’s moment. You had yours, remember – 1642?”

  MAJ

  “Not one of my better days.”

  CRUMB

  “… The House of Peers laid aside and the state of this government brought to the name at least of a Commonwealth – the bishops pulled down, I had almost forgot that. A remarkable print of Providence upon the work, and upon this House. You were, I may say, the apple of His eye – you were – and, our wars being over, we had good hopes, that by your own means you would bring forth those good things that had been promised and expected and which might, by honest men have been deemed fit for such a God and worthy of such mercies. That you would secure men in the peaceful possession of their goods and estates. Was that too much to ask? What have you done but replace an arbitrary and tyrannical monarchy with a parliament of the same stamp? Did we not take up arms to prevent the king ruling unchecked at his will and pleasure and what are you now but the late king writ large? ”

  TOMKINS

  “A hit, Crumb, a hit!”

  MAJ

  “Not so very late, General Cromwell, still taking an interest.”

  CRUMB

  “And like his late courtiers, paying yourselves handsomely with the profits of office!”

  MAJ

  “Aha, that’s Itch-Arse skewered.”

  TOMKINS

  “And not him alone. Half the house look as though they’ve been caught with their snouts in the trough. You enjoying this, Maj?”

  MAJ

  “I am, I am. Far more fun being a spectator. Oh, far side of the House, Sir Peter Wentworth’s got his exceeding troughy snout up…”

  TOMKINS

  “…to honk his protest –‘This is the first time I ever heard such unbecoming language given to the parliament, and the more horrid in that it comes from our servant, whom we have so highly…’”