Cromwell's Cat Read online

  “Go for it, Maj. They’re all ears – and Crumb – make yourself scarce: I’m your eyes and ears here.”

  MAJ

  “Feels sort of strange speaking down the generations but that’s what I wanted. So here goes. This is for your…what was it?”

  RHODRI

  “A levels.”

  MAJ

  “That’s it, Rhodri. Well, this is for that: ‘I think it is my duty to God first and to my country for to clear myself both as an honest man and a good King, and a good Christian. I shall begin first with my innocence: the world knows that I never did begin a War with the two Houses of Parliament. And I call God to witness, to whom I must shortly make an account, that I never did intend for to encroach upon their privileges. I do believe that ill instruments between them and me have been the chief cause of all this bloodshed. I hope you will bear me witness that I have forgiven all the world, and even those in particular that have been the chief causes of my death. Who they are, God knows, I do not desire to know…”

  TOMKINS

  “Glancing, I guess, at the invisible cat in the window?”

  MAJ

  “If I did was by accident, I assure you, Tomkins. You don’t miss much, do you?”

  TOMKINS

  “I try not to.”

  MAJ

  “Those who have caused my death, I wish that they may repent…”

  CRUMB

  “Regret, yes, profoundly. Repent? Sadly no.”

  TOMKINS

  “Crumb! You’re not here, remember.”

  MAJ

  “…for indeed they have committed a great sin in that particular. I pray God, with St. Stephen, that this be not laid to their charge. Truly I do think the way that they are in, is much out of the way: it will never do right, nor God will never prosper them, until they give God His due, the King his due (that is, my successors) and the people their due. Truly I desire the people’s Liberty and Freedom as much as anybody whomsoever. But I must tell you, that consists in having of government; those laws, by which their life and their goods may be most their own. It is not for having share in government. That is nothing pertaining to them. A subject and a sovereign are clean different things…”

  CRUMB

  “May have been true once…”

  TOMKINS

  “Crumb!”

  CRUMB

  “…Not any more.”

  TOMKINS

  “Your turn will come.”

  MAJ

  “… If I would have given way to an arbitrary way, for to have all laws changed according to the power of the sword, I needed not to have come here; and therefore, I tell you, (I pray God it be not laid to your charge) that I am the martyr of the people. And so I have delivered my conscience. I pray God, that you do take those courses that are best for the good of the kingdom and your own salvations. For myself, I go from a corruptible to an incorruptible crown, where no disturbance can be, no disturbance in the world’…Did you get all that?”

  TOMKINS

  “Nods all round. Karen especially – and on the scaffold, even the executioner nodding.”

  MAJ

  “Young Gregory, you mean? If indeed it is him? Hard to tell with the false beard”

  TOMKINS

  “Crumb?”

  CRUMB

  “Not for me to say, but Your Majesty might hazard a guess if he appears more concerned about doing the job well than being simply eager to do it”

  MAJ

  “I see. Thankyou…But one stage more, troublesome but mercifully short. Tell me, sirrah, if I tuck my hair under my cap like so, will that suffice? …Good …and the block? You’re sure it can be no higher? At only ten inches I may struggle to keep my dignity…What’s that? If it were any higher you couldn’t be sure of a surgical strike. Thankyou. Thankyou, Gregory. In that case I shall die as well as I can. I shall place my head on the block, pray for a moment, then stretch my arms out in sign for you to strike. You understand? Good”

  TOMKINS

  You see that, you lot? That’s something I thought I’d never see – a crowd of humans, big as you’ll ever see – silent as cats watching, not moving, scarce even breathing, just watching. As Maj said – eerie, spooky. Humans don’t do silent, specially not in crowds. They’re like starlings forever talking. But not here, not now. Here we go: Maj takes off his cloak. He crosses the scaffold. He kneels down; lays his head on the block waits, prays…And we wait …and he prays …’Bye, Maj’ …And now he spreads his arms and…and…and… Oooooh!

  KAREN

  “He nothing common did, or mean

  Upon that memorable scene

  But with his keener eye

  The axe’s edge did try:

  Nor called the gods with vulgar spite

  To vindicate his helpless right

  But bowed his comely head

  Down as upon a bed…”

  TOMKINS

  “Thanks, Karen: exit Maj – head held high – Oh, not sure I should have said that…”

  MAJ

  “That’s alright, Tomkins.”

  TOMKINS

  “I didn’t mean literally held high – Gregory holding your head up by the hair and showing it the crowd. Not that. I didn’t mean that”

  MAJ

  “I know what you meant.”

  TOMKINS

  “Thanks, Maj.”

  MAJ

  “And thank Karen for the poem – much appreciated.”

  TOMKINS

  “There you are, Karen – I told you hot-line to heaven – but I wouldn’t tell that to your teacher. Let’s keep that just between ourselves – . And so, exit Maj and enter Crumb – yes, you can come out now” – having to learn to live with the chosen instruments – heaven help him! But that’s another story.

  Chapter Six

  ‘Freedom, by God’s

  Blessing Restored.’

  CRUMB

  “You know what worried me most – then and in the years since?”

  TOMKINS

  “Apart from the small matter of killing your king? Can’t think.”

  CRUMB

  “I fear I failed my son Harry and together we failed the Lord: we did not do what He looked for”

  TOMKINS

  “Which was?”

  CRUMB

  “That’s the problem. It’s hard to say.”

  TOMKINS

  “You mean He hasn’t told you?”

  CRUMB

  “He doesn’t tell us. We have to work it out.”

  TOMKINS

  “Ho
w very human! Not the cat way at all. If the great cat in the sky – you know – Great Furry Felix – the one who makes all those fur-balls you call clouds – if he wants something he spells it out – ‘Do it, or forget about getting a fur-ball of your own’. So we know where we are and can sleep happy – no worries. I mean the name sort of gives it away, doesn’t it: ‘Felix’ – ‘Happy’? Unlike you humans, who never seem to be happy unless you’ve got something to worry about. Even your greetings are a give-away: ‘How are you?” “Oh keeping going…Not so bad… been better…Bearing up…Don’t ask.” And as your God made you in his image, ten to one he’s a worrier too. Maj, are you there?”

  MAJ

  “Yes, I’m here.”

  TOMKINS

  “Is your God a worrier?”

  MAJ

  “Could be, could be. That would explain a lot.”

  TOMKINS

  “Can you have a word with him, when you see him? He’s got Crumb here in a bit of a fret”

  MAJ

  “Sadly, Tomkins, it’s not as simple as that…”

  TOMKINS

  “It never is with humans.”

  MAJ

  “…Even up here there shall no man see His face – not even an unjustly executed king, who you’d think would have a pretty strong case”

  TOMKINS

  “No man see His face?”

  MAJ

  “Uh-hunh – that’s the word – first thing you’re told when you get here. Hello and welcome. We hope you’ll enjoy your stay, which will be forever – unless (God forbid) you try to see His face in which case you’re out on your ear”

  TOMKINS

  “What?”

  MAJ

  “In a trice – cast down into everlasting perdition”

  TOMKINS

  “Just for seeing His face? Why? What’s He trying to hide?”

  MAJ

  “Who knows – worried frown perhaps – a hint that Heaven may not be all it’s cracked up to be? Has to be a possibility. But as it’s heaven and as we’ve all spent all our lives trying to get here, we’re not about to ask.”

  TOMKINS

  “Then how do you get a message to Him?”

  MAJ

  “We think it: His angels pick up the thought and pass it on. There’s not much gets by Him and He is committed to making improvements…”

  TOMKINS

  “There you are – it’s not all as it should be and He is a worrier! Just as I thought.”

  MAJ

  “…What was the message?”

  TOMKINS

  “And thanks for that, Maj – spelling out how it works. This lot were worrying earlier about how I could get this book written, me being just a cat and all. Well, now you’ve told them: I think it; up there you pick up on it – I told you all, didn’t I ‘hot-line to heaven’? – and someone down here then has the bright idea “I know. I’ll write a story about Cromwell and his cat.” Simple as that.”

  RHODRI

  “Someone? Anyone?”

  TOMKINS

  “Well not anyone , obviously – has to be a cat lover. Meeting of minds, remember, finding we speak the same language…”

  RHODRI

  “Then you don’t know him?”

  TOMKINS

  “Who?”

  RHODRI

  “The one whose name’s on the cover of this book – your ghost writer?”

  TOMKINS

  “ ‘Course I don’t. Don’t need to. This is Crumb’s story and his job is just to get it out there, which your presence here proves he’s doing. Now, can we get on – where were we?”

  MAJ

  “I was asking what the message was, that you wanted to get through to the Lord?”

  TOMKINS

  “Oh yes, that’s it: can He make His wishes plain so Crumb doesn’t go through such agonies fearing he’s failed Him?”

  MAJ

  “Mmmmm – not sure He’ll agree to that because part of His deal with humans is that they’re not to know but if, not knowing, they nonetheless do what He wants, then for them that’s the jackpot. Their souls are saved; they’re halfway to heaven.”

  CRUMB

  “Just what I’ve been trying to tell him, your Majesty, but he wouldn’t listen.”

  TOMKINS

  “Let me get this clear, Crumb: you’re worried that you failed Harry and together you may have failed the lord?”

  CRUMB

  “That’s right.”

  TOMKINS

  “And it’s no comfort that that could be exactly what the Lord wanted – being Himself a worrier?”

  CRUMB

  “None at all. He may, probably did, want me worried but despite that to do His will and so secure my salvation – as his Majesty just pointed out”

  TOMKINS

  “Wouldn’t you rather be a cat and secure it just by being yourself? Get your own fur-ball?”

  CRUMB

  “Much rather, but as there’s not much chance of that happening I must find another way to set my mind at rest.”

  TOMKINS

  “By talking it through?”

  CRUMB

  “That would seem best.”

  TOMKINS

  “But the Lord, as Maj has just pointed out, is no go.”

  CRUMB

  “And Harry’s dead.”

  TOMKINS

  “What?”

  CRUMB

  “Harry’s dead. That’s my problem.”

  TOMKINS

  “When did that happen?”

  CRUMB

  “erm…in Ireland at the siege of Limerick, a year and a half ago.”

  MAJ

  “I was sorry to hear that, General Cromwell. Truly. Like you, I always felt – had our circumstances been different – I’d have been happy to have him on my side. Which brings me to my Queen Mary.”

  RHODRI

  “Who?”

  MAJ

  “Queen Mary”

  TOMKINS

  Henrietta Maria to you lot

  MAJ

  “…well, she has always found confession a great help – and I must confess (ha!) I have dabbled myself from time to time. Have you ever considered…?”

  CRUMB

  “No, Majest
y, and I’m not about to start now. Popish and antichristian practices might clear my head but would damn my soul sure as eggs. Thankyou, but no.”