Cromwell's Cat Page 20
“Oh come on, Tomkins, Slingsby* made the first approach”
TOMKINS
“Which your people encouraged.”
CRUMB
“They played along with it – yes.”
TOMKINS
“With your approval?”
CRUMB
“When it was brought to my attention – yes.”
TOMKINS
“In order to trap him?”
CRUMB
“To obtain proof of their plan. And this we had, when he handed over to our officer a commission from Charles Stuart to be governor of Hull.”
TOMKINS
“Well, all I can say, Crumb – I’m just glad Maj wasn’t there to see it.”
CRUMB
“Do you see now why I asked him to tune out?”
TOMKINS
“I do. I’m just not sure you shouldn’t have asked your God to look away as well.”
CRUMB
“Why? It was for the sake of settlement I did it – the settlement He looks for.”
TOMKINS
“A just settlement, justly attained, yes. Not like this… Crumb… Crumb…are you listening?”
CRUMB
“What?”
TOMKINS
“You seemed to go blank for a second – almost as though you too had tuned out. Are you alright?”
CRUMB
“No, I’m fine – just a little tired. What were you saying?”
TOMKINS
“Your tricking Sir Henry Slingsby into handing over a commission from Charles Stuart to be governor of Hull…”
CRUMB
“…was necessary to deter royalists from building their hopes on a Spanish-led invasion from across the channel”
TOMKINS
“…and while your Lord might have approved the goal – clearing the decks for Do-Nothing-Dick, I doubt He’d have been happy with your way of going about it. To call your snaring of Slingsby ‘cat and mouse’ would be to give cats a bad name.”
CRUMB
“How d’you mean?”
TOMKINS
“You caught him; you played with him; and now you’ve killed him. On the surface, standard cat and mouse. But look a little closer and there’s a world of difference. We catch mice in order to play with them. You played with Slingsby in order to kill him. All the difference in the world.”
CRUMB
“But by firing a warning shot across cavalier bows, Slingsby’s trial and execution will help deliver settlement.”
TOMKINS
“What is it you’re always saying: ‘God made man upright; but man…’?”
CRUMB
“…sought out many inventions.”
TOMKINS
“That’s it. Well?”
CRUMB
“You think this was me seeking out inventions?”
TOMKINS
“Well you weren’t very upright, were you? And in this cat’s opinion that’s how your Lord would see it.”
CRUMB
“Mmmmm – maybe you’re right. In the rush to get things done it may be… And yet if it were to do again…”
RHODRI
“Early bath, LP.”
CRUMB
“What, Rodders?”
RHODRI
“Second bookable offence – early bath.”
CRUMB
“Can someone translate? Anyone?”
CATRIONA
“Football talk, LP. Men (and it is mostly men) do it all the time in our latter days and take it for granted everyone shares their language. It can be very frustrating if you just wish they’d speak plain English. ‘Early bath’ means for you the game is over. So in your case settlement might be achieved but you would miss out.”
CRUMB
“Thankyou, Catriona: that makes it a lot clearer. Hopefully it won’t come to that – but if it does, sooner that – than that the Lord should withdraw His hand from His favoured nation. And, looking on the bright side for a moment the nation is now that bit closer to where we want it to be: the risings around the country are crushed for this year. No invasion was possible; our fleet has Ostend blockaded; and Slingsby’s and some few other executions will send out a message to all would-be plotters that…that…”
TOMKINS
“Crumb, Crumb… It’s happening again. Crumb, come on, snap out of it… talk to me.”
ALAN
“What’s happening, Tomkins?”
TOMKINS
“His mouth’s working but there’s no sound coming out…Crumb, Crumb – oh come on, Crumb. Maj, Maj – are you there?”
MAJ
“As always, Tomkins. Can I tune in again?”
TOMKINS
“Yes, do. What’s the matter with Crumb? He seems to be trying to talk but I can’t hear anything.”
MAJ
“Oh dear, first sign Tomkins that he’s not got long to go. We see it all the time – shared language is the first to go. So I can hear him as could any other human but sadly, not his cat and companion. Very unfair but that’s the way it is.”
TOMKINS
“What’s he saying?”
MAJ
“Repeating what he said earlier about making haste to get on plus another bit I can’t make sense of about an ‘early bath’. He’s repeating that endlessly.”
TOMKINS
“Is there anything we can do?”
MAJ
“Well, from what I’ve seen, talking won’t work – might even make it worse – so don’t try to talk – put your face into his and purr – purr hard. And tap him gently on the nose the way you do. It may not work at once but don’t give up. This is just the first sign and they usually get better. But when he does come back to you, not a word about it. Let him carry on as if nothing had happened – that’s always best.”
TOMKINS
“Paws crossed. Prrrrrr…purrrrrr…purrrrrr…purrrrrr”
MAJ
“Don’t stop. Keep going. It will work.”
TOMKINS
“Prrrrrr…purrrrrr…purrrrrr…purrrrrr”
CRUMB
“…Oh Tomkins – it’s you. I just had a vision – we were back in the fens in the old wheelbarrow days and I don’t know why but you were slapping my nose with an eel. I’ve no idea what that’s suppos
ed to mean. I must have a word with my astrologer”
TOMKINS
“It was just me tapping your nose with my paw the way you like.”
CRUMB
“I do, but why the eel? That must mean something?”
TOMKINS
“How about you’re feeling guilty for forgetting about the fens? Remember at the start of this book how hot you were about saving Mistress Margery and her like – yet here you are – more powerful than ever and yet you’ve done nothing to save them. Rather, you’ve sided with Shifty Sandys and his fellow drainers. Guilty conscience. No wonder you dream of being slapped in the face with an eel.”
CRUMB
“You’re right – but we needed the money – still do, more than ever. The drainers have it and standing up for Mistress Margery comes at a price we can’t afford – not yet. But hopefully that’s about to change – and you can stop tapping my nose now. I’ve got to get on – and the tapping can be a distraction. Oh, Majesty, are you back again? How did that happen?”
TOMKINS
“Erm that’s my fault, Crumb. I thought as you’d got past your ‘early bath’ moment – there might be no harm Maj tuning in again.”
CRUMB
“There again you could be right. And with the war in Flanders moving forward at last and now entering its critical phase, it may so change the world that the Spaniard may in future choose his friends more carefully. Apologies, Majesty.”
MAJ
“I understand. Clearly not a good time for my son Charles. It begins to look as if he’s on the wrong side of history. But ‘nil desperandum’ as we say up here. There may yet be time”
CRUMB
“I wouldn’t hold your breath, Majesty…”
MAJ
“Oh I don’t mind – or I wouldn’t – if I had any to hold.”
CRUMB
“…because I’ve just heard – our troops have entered Dunkirk.”
MAJ
“What? When did that happen?”
CRUMB
“Two days since.”
MAJ
“How did I manage to miss that? We see everything up here.”
CRUMB
“You know what they say: “See everything & miss what matters – and what matters is Dunkirk is ours! Marshall Turenne took possession of the town two days ago and yesterday evening – in pursuance of Carinal Mazarin’s promise – the young king handed over the keys to ambassador Lockhart. So the town, and more important the harbour – is ours and that which was ever a haven for pirates preying on our merchants, will now be a forward base for our fleet, from where they may overawe what foe soever – the Spaniard, the Dutch, pirates, privateers, your son Charles – whoever looks to threaten us on or across the narrow seas – and when could we last say that? Exactly a hundred years ago, before Catholic Queen Mary in alliance with Spain, was driven out by the French. There’s a lesson there!”
TOMKINS
“I’m sure there is, Crumb, but don’t get yourself over-excited. Unlike Maj you do need to save your breath.”
CRUMB
“Oh come on, Tomkins, I can celebrate a little, surely? It’s a dream come true. ‘Israel’s bringing out of Egypt by many signs and wonders towards a place of rest’? Is not this a sign and a wonder: our troops, the first time they’ve been seen in Europe, praising the Lord and leading the charge against the Spaniard in the Battle of the Dunes, winning praise from friend and foe alike, making powers to tremble, turning back the antichristian tide? Even those who know little of the Lord’s work in the world now find their secular self-interest pointing them the way to go. France seeks to extend our alliance for another year – raising the price they are prepared to pay. Dunkirk this year – Ostend the next: that is the cardinal’s offer. Our merchants -, never better protected, begin to loosen their purse strings. A door…a door…”
TOMKINS
“Oh no, Crumb, no.”
CRUMB
“…a door…”
TOMKINS
“Maj, Maj, it’s happening again. He’s speaking but there’s no sound coming out. What’s he saying?”
MAJ
“’A door of hope is open…’”
CRUMB
“…is open… I’ll speak for myself, Majesty, even if it kills me, which I fear it shortly will. Tomkins, keep tapping – that’s it. That gives me strength… A door of hope is open wherein, the Lord willing, others shall enter in. They are even now at the threshold and, wherever I may be – not Ely, I fear, Tomkins – I failed you there – the Elysian fields perhaps – best I can do…”
TOMKINS
“Don’t care what they’re called, Crumb, so long as we’re there together and there’s eels a-plenty”
CRUMB
“No doubt of that. Our Elysian fields – yours and mine – will be sure to feature fens and eels and decoy ducks – maybe even Mistress Margery. Who knows? We’ll be living the dream while watching the saints down here crossing the threshold and inheriting the settlement we have worked for and the Lord looks for… I’m nearly done. Keep tapping, Tomkins, I want to feel those eels slapping my face…”
TOMKINS
“I promise, Crumb, I’ll keep them coming. It’s what I do.”
CRUMB
“And keep on, whatever happens. Do you hear?”
TOMKINS
“Yes, I hear.”
CRUMB
“Good. Now is Karen there?”
KAREN
“Over here, LP.”
CRUMB
“Oh yes. Finally, Karen, it falls in place. For me it’s early bath time. My design now is to make what haste I can to be gone.”
KAREN
“I knew I’d heard it somewhere.”
CRUMB
“And I knew I’d say it – sooner or later. And now I have, that’s it – end of story: ninth chapter; ninth life…no more.”
**********
MAJ
“Tomkins, Tomkins, you can stop tapping now…”
TOMKINS
“No, no. Keep tapping, he said. You heard him.”
MAJ
“Yes I did, but that was when he was still with us, still hanging on.”
TOMKINS
“He still is. You may not see it, Maj, up there – no more can I, but I can feel it. ‘Keep tapping’, he said, ‘Keep the eels coming’ and that’s what I’m doing: keeping the dream alive.”
MAJ
“I’m sorry, Tomkins, Crumb is dead. The dream died with him.”
TOMKINS
“No, it didn’t. It didn’t – it was our dream. You know it. I’m still alive
and so is the dream – and so is he. We’re one and the same – go together. You should know that – it’s what this book’s been all about: our life, our adventure, our dream! Like he always said when thinking about death, he was forever repeating it: ‘In that sleep of death what dreams may come?’. Well we know what dreams, don’t we? He just spelt them out: fens, eels and decoy ducks. Our dream.”