Cromwell's Cat Read online

  CROMWELL

  “And I said ‘You don’t really want to know.’”

  TOMKINS

  But I did

  CROMWELL

  “So I went through the list ‘Brazen-nose’, ‘Nose Almighty’, ‘Light of the Fens’, ‘Noll-o-the-wisp’, ‘Noll-a-lantern’. You get the picture – all focusing on my biggest, brightest but possibly not best feature.”

  TOMKINS

  And none of them any use to me. So I thought a bit and settled for ‘Crumb’ – as he was to be the one who was to give me my daily bread (eels only excepted) and it was short, sweet and the first syllable of his name. Perfect fit. So ‘Crumb’ it was and ‘Crumb’ it’s been ever since – and Crumb is what I’ll see it is in this book from now on – at least from the next chapter.

  CROMWELL

  “How will you do that?

  TOMKINS

  “What?”

  CROMWELL

  “Make it appear in print?”

  TOMKINS

  “I’ll think about it.”

  CROMWELL

  “No, but how will you do it?”

  TOMKINS

  “I’ll think about it: it’s what cats do – and that will do it. You’ll see” – as will you readers, and the proof of the pudding – starting next chapter Cromwell becomes ‘Crumb’. So get used to it because that’s us: Tomkins & Crumb of Ely – ‘Eels a Speciality’!

  Oh – and one final thing: I should say for the future reporters and intelligencers among you, he can’t speak to you except through me. But you can ask him questions, again through me, and he’s bound to answer. - another little gift we cats have when we speak your language.

  I’ll leave you to think about it and, claws crossed, see you in the next chapter.

  Chapter Two

  ‘In It, To Win It’

  CRUMB

  “No question, Tomkins, the army must be new-modelled.”

  TOMKINS

  “What?”

  CRUMB

  “The army must be new-modelled.”

  TOMKINS

  “Yes, I heard what you said. I just wondered where it came from. And what on earth they are going to make of it, heaven only knows.”

  CRUMB

  “Who?”

  TOMKINS

  “They – out there, the ones we’ve been talking to throughout the first chapter, or had you forgotten?…” I’m sorry about this – I think he’s just leapt forward about four of my lives – not at all what I was looking for. Having put the introductions behind us (and note the name-change ‘Crumb’ for ‘Cromwell’ – just like I predicted – give a cat credit) I was hoping to move on and show you round Ely, which was just cat heaven: out and about in St Mary’s Street, made a fuss of by the girls at home – and by Mistress Crumb – eels a-plenty and church mice to play with on the doorstep. What more could a cat want? But no – it seems he’s decided to skip all that and the rest of the intervening…erm, what Crumb?”

  CRUMB

  “What?”

  TOMKINS

  “Time in your terms. How long’s it been?”

  CRUMB

  “Since when?”

  TOMKINS

  “Since we met – back in Ely – and started talking. Remember?”

  CRUMB

  “Oh, er…Six years, give or take.”

  TOMKINS

  “Six years, that’s it. I mean come on – as though nothing happened that a cat might want to talk about! That’s a third of a lifetime. I’ll have been a dad fifteen times over – at least. And not want to talk about it? Not want to tell you about the slinky-eyed blackie, who took my fancy in year one, or the generously endowed grey who simply had to look at me to make me go weak at the knees and whisper nonsense to her all night and every night for the whole of year two – and three. Two of your years – not often cat affairs last that long – might even be some kind of record. And not want to talk about it? I don’t think so. But…as I said at the start, it’s his story, not mine so he calls the shots. But I’ll try again later. I have my ways – might even slap a rat down on his slippers and say ‘There. That’s for you. Now can we talk about me?’ But… “…So, the army must be new-modelled?”

  CRUMB

  “Yes – has to be. I can’t see any other way”

  TOMKINS

  “So we have an army? We didn’t when we were last speaking.”

  CRUMB

  “Of course we have an army, have had since 1642…”

  TOMKINS

  Year four by your count.

  CRUMB

  “…raised by the parliament to do the Lord’s work.”

  TOMKINS

  “So then, Providence finally found a use for you?”

  CRUMB

  “You know it did.”

  TOMKINS

  “Yes, but they don’t – and it’s just possible they might want to.”

  CRUMB

  “Then, I’ll tell them – if that’s not against the rules?”

  TOMKINS

  “What rules?”

  CRUMB

  “What you said – about me not being able to speak to them direct.”

  TOMKINS

  “But you’re not. I’m here and through me – they hear”

  CRUMB

  “Even if what I say is to them?”

  TOMKINS

  “Even then – especially then. I’ll tell you what: I’ll cover my ears with my paws and you tell them how your God and His providence finally found a use for you. Can you do that?”

  CRUMB

  “’Course I can, but I don’t see what it’ll prove.”

  TOMKINS

  And you lot – listen like your lives depend upon it.“So, Crumb, off you go”

  CRUMB

  “Well then – after eleven years of ruling by command, calling no parliament, taxing without consent, preventing the preaching of the Word wherever the godly were gathered…”

  TOMKINS

  “Ears covering now… ”

  CRUMB

  “…………………… ………………………… …………………”

  TOMKINS

  “Have you done?”

  CRUMB

  “Yes.”

  TOMKINS

  “Right – let’s see how that worked.” Hands up those who found that fascinating… Oh dear
, that’s a bit disappointing. All right, how about those who found the silence deafening and wondered what on earth was going on?… “erm – so there we are, Crumb – I rest my case. They hear, when I hear. So now – you and providence – tell them again how it was.”

  CRUMB

  “After eleven years of ruling by command, calling no parliament, taxing without consent, preventing the preaching of the Word wherever the godly were gathered…”

  TOMKINS

  “Yes, we’ve heard all that “ – Carrying England to heaven in a wheelbarrow’, remember? “Get onto the bit they missed”

  CRUMB

  “…the king was finally forced to call a parliament to pay for – well for war with the Scots actually. Not getting assurance that his excesses would be curbed, the parliament refused and, to cut a long story short, war was declared between the king and his parliament: the latter fighting to protect the people in their rights; the former to preserve himself in his. And providence did at last find a use for me. For does not the Scripture say ‘The people shall be willing in the day of His power’? And surely this was such a day.”

  TOMKINS

  And Crumb such a person. You should have seen him go: ready, willing and off like the proverbial.

  CRUMB

  “The work was to be done: the Lord’s work, no standing on ceremony.”

  TOMKINS

  And that’s the way it’s been the whole of these past two years – Crumb pressing ahead, taking the fight to the enemy, and others one after another dragging their feet as though it wouldn’t do to win too well and suggesting that the Lord might be happy to settle for… well, simply to settle.

  CRUMB

  “The Lord’s providence is plain. He does not change or repent of His purpose.”

  TOMKINS

  And his purpose being to bring the king to his knees, they all are backsliders that seek to call it quits and set him up again, which I think may be where we came in… “Am I right?”

  CRUMB

  “Exactly so – the army must be new-modelled.”

  TOMKINS

  “As must your lap. If I’m going to think, I need some roll room. Most times I’ll take what comes. It’s a cat thing: snuggle down and make the best of what is often a very bad job. Take what’s on offer and hope for something better. And by and large it gets better just by settling. Take boxes for example: you might look at a box and think ‘There’s no way’ – as might I. But I’m here; the box is there. So in I go and in no time at all – snug as a bug in a rug – the perfect box, could have been made for me. Something you might want to think about, Crumb: what’s your best box – and it’s probably not the one you first thought of? That’s a trouble with humans generally or so other cats say – all kinds of virtues and great for putting food on the table, but not best endowed in the ‘box’ department. But…where were we? Oh yes, thinking time’s another matter, not boxy at all – that’s when I need my roll room – a level lap, space to stretch and at least one hand at the ready for constant stroking. What is it you call it when something’s so important you can’t work without it?…You know…you call it your ‘sinny something…’ ”

  CRUMB

  “Sinny…sinny? No, can’t help”

  TOMKINS

  “Sounds like one of those followers of antichrist you’re always banging on about – an extra-bad one.”

  CRUMB

  “Sorry – no idea.”

  TOMKINS

  “Sinny…sinny…That’s it: your ‘ sinny-kway-nun’”

  CRUMB

  “Oh, now I get you – my ‘sine qua non’. Yes, what of it?”

  TOMKINS

  “Well, for thinking, my ‘sinnykwaynun’ is roll room and lots of it. So go on, give me a level thinking field… Like that, yes, that’s better. Oooh yes, heaps better. Now just stay like that and give me a moment to get the thoughts going… yes, yes, that’s it. So, the army must be new-modelled. But why now?”.

  CRUMB

  “Because at Marston Moor the Lord smiled on us. I am persuaded He declared for the parliament more clearly and incontrovertibly than ever before”

  TOMKINS

  “He declared for you, you mean.”

  CRUMB

  “For the parliament, the army, the godly party…”

  TOMKINS

  “Therefore you want the army new-modelled. Yes, I understand that. ‘Always change a winning team’ – isn’t that what you say?”

  CRUMB

  “Don’t pretend you don’t understand. Marston was a miracle and, yes, the Lord smiled on our army and – it may be – on me in particular…”

  TOMKINS

  “Hang on – someone’s got a question”…OK fire away…yes …yes…good question…”Alan from St Albans wants to know why it was such a miracle. He says it was a battle and someone nearly always wins a battle” …well, Alan, I was there, saw the whole thing from up a tree in Wilstrop Wood and you can take it from me it was pretty much a miracle, if only because most of the time the smoke was so thick no-one had any idea what was going on. Then all of a sudden – the very end of the day, Crumb here came out the winner just when no-one expected it… “But go on, Crumb, tell them why you found it such a wonder”

  CRUMB

  “Because the Lord chose the foolish things of the world to confound the wise, the weak to confound the mighty and things which are not to bring to nought things that are.”

  TOMKINS

  He’ll get to the point in a minute.

  CRUMB

  “When we faced the enemy on Marston, the day was drawing to a close without any engagement, the soldiers on our side (nay on both sides) – I mean those whose profession was soldiering and had fought in the wars in Europe some of them with the great king of Sweden, they were for standing down and fighting on the morrow. But some others (myself among them), who made some conscience of what we did, argued that the Lord’s work would not wait, more particularly because we knew the enemy expected more foot soldiers to arrive overnight and swell their ranks. So we attacked – just as the enemy was dispersing and setting down to dinner…”

  TOMKINS

  “And you took them by surprise and won the day. End of story.”

  CRUMB

  “Not at all… The battle was hard-fought and, as you said, Tomkins, even harder to see. None of us knew what was happening save in our own part of the field. I commanded the horse on the parliament’s right and we drove the enemy from the field. Now when that happens the practice for professionals is – they head for the baggage train on the grounds that the enemy, deprived of their armaments, will be less able to fight; and for themselves, being poorly paid, they fight for booty – and baggage trains mean money. So, if my men had been soldiers by trade I doubt I’d have been able to stop them. But they are not. They are honest men, who know what they fight for and love what they know. At my command they about-turned back to the battlefield where, I’ve since been told, the enemy had been about to celebrate victory (many of our
‘professionals’ having already fled the field – living to fight another day and no doubt to blame me for the failure of this one). But we attacked the enemy from the rear – took them by surprise and by the light of the harvest moon now shining found ourselves the victors. That was the end of the story. And the glory, all the glory we gave to God. His victory; His miracle… “Does that answer the question?”